Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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