got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize