he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
