My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
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