Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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