Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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