omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
