don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
FUCK WHALES
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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