I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
