she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
