This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
