I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
