Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
