you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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