drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize