So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
