ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
