she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
