if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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