is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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