Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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