Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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