If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
