Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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