it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I need to calm my uterus...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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