he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize