Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
