my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
