I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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