I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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