i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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