I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
