I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
