Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
