the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
