I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
