Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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