He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
