i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
