Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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