Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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