Umm I'm too high to move.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
