I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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