why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize