My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
