and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
