high people should be assigned attendants
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
