if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
