Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize