i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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