I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
