If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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