went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
