why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
