Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
they call him Oral-B. enough said
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
