I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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