so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize