Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
