On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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