Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize