I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
