theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
